Five Words
by notsing
Summary: Charlie shares a childhood memory with Amita.


It seemed such a little thing to be so worked up about, especially after all this time. It was just one sentence after all. Only five words, and each word was only one syllable. All together, it was only 19 letters long. Surely, by now, he should have forgotten those 19 letters. But he hadn't.

Oh, there were long stretches of time when he never thought about them, when he was able to consign them to the trash basket of his memory and blissfully forget them. But then something would make him recall that sentence, that damn sentence he had uttered, and there would be hell to pay trying to forget again.

Charlie was convinced if there really was a hell, that's what it would be: remembering all of your own mistakes and missteps. Wincing and turning away from shame at all the little hurtful and thoughtless deeds everyone committs in a lifetime.

Those mindless five words would be at the top of his list. As soon as he had uttered them, he regretted them. If he could have time-traveled even a few seconds back in time, he would have ripped his tongue out before saying them.

What was so painful about them, of course, is that they were nothing but the truth, and the hard cold truth can bite worse than anything. Of course, he HAD been extremely young when he said it. It was sort of like the fairy-tale of the king's new clothes and the little child exclaiming that the king was naked. Charlie had pointed out nothing less than the naked truth, but it still pained him.

What always brought that shameful memory thundering back to consciousness was Meryl Streep. He hated her movies as a result, and it really wasn't fair. She was still a beautiful woman and an incredible actress, but he avoided her movies at all costs. Or tried to anyway. It would be easier if Amita didn't love chick flicks, and if Meryl didn't make so many chick flicks.

But she did, and Amita just loved Momma Mia and The Devil Wears Prada, and who knew what other movies with Meryl in them. Charlie didn't really mind watching chick flicks normally. As silly as they were, they usually made more sense than the shoot 'em ups.

Amita, of course, eventually noticed that he would willingly watch other chick flicks with him if they didn't star Meryl Streep, and finally challenged him on it. If he was as smart with handling his wife as he was with math, he would have had a slick answer for her. But instead he had fumbled and hemmed and hawed, and sensing a mystery, Amita had pounced and pushed for an answer.

_For Don and Charlie, awareness had come from the tv. It was a grey, rainy day, and, stuck inside, Donnie had been channel-surfing. Nine-year-old Charlie had been scribbing in a notebook, only half paying attention to the television; he was mostly there just to be in the immediate vicinity of his big brother._

_Not finding anything to his liking, Donnie had automatically flipped by the boring station that was always showing some dull documentary, when his brain caught up to what his eyes had registered, and he flipped back. _

_Charlie, surprised that Donnie was watching THAT channel, had glanced at the screen, and then, like his older brother, had stared, transfixed. Those were BODIES, hundreds of them. They looked like skeletons at first, then they realized there was flesh covering those bony remains. It took longer for the commentary that went with the pictures to penetrate, but the brothers finally made sense of what they were seeing. Except what they were seeing and hearing made no sense._

_These were the bodies of Jews. Killed just for being Jews. Donnie and Charlie stared at each other in stunned silence, then went back to watching the old black and white film. And that's how the two Eppes brother first found out about the Holocaust. _

_They had confronted their parents of course. Charlie out of sheer bewilderment, but Donnie had seemed angry, almost accusatory. He seemed to feel betrayed, and was furious that Mom and Dad had 'kept' this from him._

_"I should have told!" Donnie insisted over and over again. "Why wasn't I told? You should have told me!"_

_Vainly, Mom and Dad replied that they hadn't deliberatedly NOT told him, they simply hadn't thought to TELL him. _

_Donnie wasn't buying it. He threw himself into learning all he could about Nazi Germany, and the Final Solution. Margaret and Alan clearly were uncomfortable with Donnie's obsession, but didn't try to stop him._

_Of course, where Donnie led, Charlie followed. Truthfully, Charlie knew he wasn't really ready. It was far too upsetting, but he wasn't about to admit it. Instead, he fell back on getting lost in the numbers, and tried desperately to forget those numbers represented human beings. Some of those humans had been related to him._

_It was hard to get lost in math when Donnie watched some movie about the Holocaust. It seemed like there were a lot of movies about the it, most of them grim and depressing. Well, what else would they be?_

_But Charlie sat doggedly through these chilling movies, and hoped his older brother would get over his obsession, and go back to watching James Bond or something. But when Sophie's Choice was on, Charlie sat Indian-style next to his brother on the floor, while Mom and Dad watched from the couch._

_Truth be told, Charlie wasn't emotionally mature enough for the movie, and he knew a lot was going over his head. But since the rest of the family seemed engrossed, he pretended he was as well. But he didn't need to act during the dramatic scene that gave the movie it's title. Even at nine, Charlie understood forcing a choice like that on a mother was unbearably cruel._

_And that's when he turned to Donnie and blurted out, "Mom would give them you!"_

_If he hadn't been looking right at Donnie he would have missed that brief glimpse of enormous pain that flashed across his brother's face. Charlie would never have believed his brother could look like that. He never would have believed HE could possibly inflict that much suffering on his invincible big brother. Yet some how, with just five words, he had._

_"I know," said Donnie, softly, before turning back to the tv. Charlie wanted to reach out to his brother, but there seemed to be a wall of ice surrounding Donnie, and he couldn't._

_Mom cried out, "Charlie! No!"_

_Startled, Charlie turned his head, and saw both fo his parent's faces were white and strained. Mom had tears in her eyes, and feeling ashamed, Charlie launched himself at his mother, babbling, "I'm sorry! I didn't mean it! I just..." Charlie stopped there, unsure what he wanted to say._

_Mom hugged him, thank goodness there was no ice around her, "Hush, just hush, Charlie."_

_Charlie relaxed in his mom's arms, and peering up at her, was not surprised to see she wasn't looking at him, but at Donnie. He knew it wasn't him that Mom wanted to embrace, but his brother. But Donnie sat rigid, back turned to his family._

_Charlie felt a flare of anger; Mom wanted, NEEDED, to comfort Donnie. Why wouldn't he let her? And Donnie needed comfort because he was hurting. Everyone could see Donnie was hurting, even if he had encased himself in ice and acted like he wasn't._

_Later, before bed, Mom did hug Donnie, or tried to. At fourteen, he was at rhe age where he wanted nothing more than to be an orphan, because parents were SO embarrassing, so Donnie was intent on squirming away, until Mom laughed shakily, "Oh please Donnie. Humor me for once!"_

_So Donnie had grudgingly hugged her, and Mom had siezed the opportunity to cling to him, and plead, "I love you. You know I love you. You HAVE to know I love you!"_

_Donnie, trying to escape, mumbled, "I know. I love you too."_

Amita stared at him, dark eyes troubled, "Oh Charlie! This is why you won't watch Meryl Streep movies?"

"I hurt Don. I didn't mean to, but I did."

"You were a child! And dealing with a very dark part of history, one that hit especially close. You need to forgive yourself! I'm sure everone else has!" argued Amita.

"But don't you see? If we ever had been in that situation, thank God we weren't, but if we were, Mom WOULD have let them take Don!"

"She wouldn't really have had a choice Charlie," answered Amita gently. "You're a genuis. She would have HAD to try to save you. You need to accept that. Everyone else has, including Don. You didn't choose to be born so smart, you just were."

"Don really did make a lot of sacrifices for me. Nothing as dramatic as his life, of course, but he still gave up a lot for me."

Amita shook her head, "He doesn't regret it Charlie. If he did, you two couldn't be friends, and you are. All you can do at this point is accept the sacrifices Don made with as much grace as possible."

"Grace, huh?" laughed Charlie. "Well, I don't know how graceful I am, but I am grateful!"

Amita smiled, "Trust me, Charlie. That's enough."


End file.
